Feeling Blinded

Editors Note: This is a guest post from Discipling Faculty member, Grace Cabalka, regarding the rawness we all feel around the violence we see in our culture today. We invite you to join Grace’s journey, and the rest of the leadership team at TLI, in honest personal reflection and communal lament.

I recently finished a weekend with my siblings as we gathered within the two weeks of the anniversary of our parent’s deaths. I feel like I miss our parents more than I ever have, which makes no sense to me. Of course, I wish I would have appreciated them more.

I wonder if it’s common as time goes on, for us to have a deeper longing for what we perceived was…

the security,
the company, 
the consistency, stability, and predictability?

I’m feeling less and less at home in this world – so saddened and frightened by

the hate,
the divisiveness,
the pain, the loss,
the ongoing tragedies.

Especially after the recent horrors we’ve just had here in the U.S.A.

I want to hear a parent say, “It’s ok. Don’t worry. It’s all going to work out just fine.” I want to be able to say that to my grandchildren.

I can’t help but wrestle with the WHY-HOW-IF’s over all of it.

I’m seeking to know how to love and be content; to not fear, to be grateful….and I have it good, easy, privileged!

My heart aches for those who grieve today, who are separated from their loves through no fault of their own;

at the border,
at the bar,
on the street,
in the camps,
in homes, hospitals, and prisons.

Jesus, you ask (Mark 8): Who do you say I am? The answer is Messiah. How do You view all of this suffering, Jesus?

Jesus, as you explained the suffering you said must happen, you told Peter he was merely seeing from a human point of view, not from God’s.

I’m afraid I’m experiencing the same blindness as Peter today. I don’t believe you were shaming him, I think you were showing us a new way to see by changing the way we live. 

You instructed us to give up selfish ways—to not be ashamed, to take up our cross and follow You. Apparently, changing the way we live is the way to see from God’s perspective.

Search me, O God. I don’t think I’m ashamed, but I am confused. It’s dark. And, I know I still have so many selfish ways to give up. I need your help. I need to see how you see. 

As I wait…give me

your eyes,
your heart,
your hope.

Give me the power to give up my selfish ways and to take up my cross and to follow your lead.

My hope is that death is defeated because

You are Good,
Love,
Messiah,
and that you laid down Your life for all of us.

As much as I want to turn away, to blame, and deny…I choose to mourn today with You, Messiah. 
To lament.
To grieve.
Trusting that I grieve with Hope, and that Joy will come in the morning (and in the mourning). 

May we hold each other in selfless unity, asking the God of all comfort to pour out Peace on all those who can’t catch their breath, to hug them in prayer, whispering how sorry we are. This is my cross in these times.